Japan Trials Robot Cashier With Superhuman Ability To Initiate Conversations

Scientists in Japan have invented a humanoid robot with the superhuman ability to initiate conversations with customers. “I couldn’t believe it – I was standing there all silent-like when RoboConvo-3000 asked me how my day was going,” said Yumi Hamada. “I said, ‘good’, and then it asked me a follow-up question – I felt as if […]

Scientist To Clone Just Enough Dinosaur Meat To Put In Taco

Taos, NM—Paleoproctologist, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube is back in the news today. The controversial scholar has announced his intention to create a facility off the coast of South America for the purpose of cloning dinosaur tissue. Dr. Hogbein told the press he plans to “bring taco Tuesday up a notch.” Critics of the…

Osaka Kindergarten Condemns Korean, Chinese Toddlers To Solitary Confinement, Forced Labor

A kindergarten in Osaka City has reportedly been handing out systematic punishments to toddlers of Korean and Chinese descent as a disciplinary measure for being born with foreign blood and being raised with “wicked ideas”. A prefectural government official questioned the Tsukamoto Kindergarten principal, Yasunori Kagoike, and his wife, who serves as deputy principal, in […]

Group Of Teenagers Admit To Summoning President Trump During Ouija Game

Burlington, VT—Sixteen-year-old Trent Drury admitted earlier today how he and two of his friends are responsible for summoning the current president from the nether realms. The boy told reporters, “Sorry everyone, we really didn’t think it would work. We thought Ouija was just a another game like Monopoly, Clue or that Evil Dead book made from…

Voting For Trump Was Not A Protest Vote, Pokey, But More Of A 50 Shades Of Neville Chamberlain Kind Of Thing

Fellow Discord contributor Pokey McDooris had some thoughtful comments after my last feature—blatantly wrong, but thoughtful. At one point he implied how either a Trump or a Sanders vote signified a vote against the establishment. Whereas that is certainly true on some level, it’s like confusing apples to orangutans. Those two politicians represent either end of the political and evolutional spectrum. It’s like comparing the…

Father Does P&J Sandwiches EXACTLY The Way His Kid’s Tell Him To

I really like the idea behind the “Exact Instructions Challenge”. Josh Darnit got his kids to make instructions on how to do a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Easy thing, you say? Not that much, […]

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